A weekend alone may very well be a fascinating exercise for me. It helps me see more clearly what I can let go of, and what i can’t.
Can’t let go: Laundry. I forced myself to stay up repeatedly this week so I wouldn’t have it to do it on my time. Still trying to decide how much peace of mind a little sleep deprivation can buy.
Can let go: I closed the door to my the playroom and kids’ rooms so I wouldn’t have to look at what’s inside. Unless I need a fire exit, those areas are off-limits. Plus I’m leaving the clutter on the counter. I’m fighting a physical reaction to that, really I am, but I can do it.
Can’t let go: I couldn’t let the dirty dishes in the sink go this evening. I can’t help it. I don’t think well in a messy kitchen.
Can: I’m not starting the dishwasher even though one part of it’s full. And even though the kitchen is clean, don’t think for a minute I want to cook in it.
Can’t let go: Like a trained monkey, I continually troll my e-mail.
Can: I won’t write back if I can help it.
Can’t let go: I stayed at school late working on plans and grading. I mean really. I practically wrote sub plans for Tuesday so I wouldn’t have to think about school until I get back.
Can: My backpack came home free of schoolwork. And I’m not going back to that building like I usually do.
Can’t let go: I had to cool the brownies completely before I turned them out to cut. As good as they smell, I’ve made enough brownies to know that patience is rewarded with delightful chewiness.
Can: I let myself cut out and steal one when they were still warm. (Plus I didn’t cut them the same sizes. Why didn’t I think of that sooner? You get to pick how bad you want to be.)
Tomorrow: Exercise, nap, shower: will she or won’t she?
And I’ll try not to ask: Why must Lainie accomplish such a mountain of tasks in order to feel she deserves two no-strings-attached, guilt-free days’ worth of relaxation? (Are there mothers out there who feel differently?)